"My eyes opened and I realized I was resting on a soft bed. I was covered with a soft baby blue blanket. The birds chirped rhythmically, and the sunlight reflected from the window adjacent from the bed was hurting my eyes. I squinted as I looked upon it, but it really didn't help relieve the pain at all. The pain felt as if I was looking directly at a flashlight. I could easily tell the time of day was morning. I sat up looked around the bedroom, the walls were painted pink, the drawers and bookshelves standing opposite of the window were just as blue as the blanket that I had just pulled off. The room was unfamiliar to me. I wondered how I got here. I could not recall anything that occurred before this present point, nothing at all.
I got out of bed and there was a sound coming from the polished wooden floor. I looked down and saw a silver heart shaped pendant bonded with thin silver chains. I bent over and picked up the locket. It was the size of my thumb, and it shined like precious diamonds in the sunlight behind me. I turned the heart shaped locket and saw a small clasp. I opened the locket and saw a photo of a young woman on the left who seemed to be wearing a purple dress robe. Next to her on the right was a little girl, wearing similar clothing except she wore pink instead of purple. Both of them had long black hair and they were smiling at each other. I glanced at the little girl again, and although the child seemed so cute, she also seemed very familiar. There was a mirror next to the door in between the drawer and the bookshelves. I saw my own reflection in the mirror. I realized that I had black hair just like the two people in the photo, wearing a white T-Shirt and white shorts. I also saw in the mirror that I had no shoes on. Then I looked at the little girl in the picture again. That little girl’s face and hair are somewhat similar to mine. On the left side of the locket I saw a something printed on the silver metal. The upper left corners of the heart locket were two letters engraved “L.R” printed on small letters and in the middle of the heart, there was date carved into the locket that said:
20 December 1995
The date on the locket caught my attention. I wondered why the date was even printed there. What happened on that day? Why was it so significant? I also wondered who the young woman is in the photo, and if I was the little girl in the photo. There was a knock on the door, and I almost jumped when I heard it. I watched the door, and remained alert, until seconds later, the door opened. The one who knocked on the door was a young woman, wearing a white dress and I also noticed a white apron she was wearing that seemed to blend in. Her rectangular glasses were completely crooked, it looks as if it was about to fall off her face. Her face was completely dirty, and her crimson hair looked as if it were never brushed for weeks perhaps months. Her emerald eyes came into contact with mine, and said to me in a somewhat timid voice.
“Oh, you’re awake”
I continued to stare at her, and said nothing.
“What’s your name?” said the woman, smiling lightly “My name is Solana Frosty.”
Unfortunately I didn’t have an answer to that question. I felt pretty stupid not knowing my own name, so I remained silent and continued to gaze at her.
“Um, you don’t talk much do you?” said Solana, timidly. “My daughter Aiyana found you in the forest out cold so we took you in our home and we kept you warm and placed you in her room. Um….. Are you feeling okay?”
I nodded lightly, and whispered.
“Yes”
“I’m glad to hear it!” said Solana, smiling brightly. “Come downstairs, I made some breakfast. When you finished eating we can call your parents. How old are you by the way?”
“T-Tw-Twelve” I answered a little unsure of myself.
“Oh that’s great!” Said Solana insecurely “Aiyana is just about you age- Well, perhaps. She’ll be turning twelve in a few days, so I’m sure you two would get along just fine. Now please come downstairs for some breakfast. I didn’t expect you to be awake at this time. After breakfast we’ll call your parents, they must be worried sick about you. So we’ll just let them know that you’re okay”
Solana turned around and left. Seconds later, I got up off the floor, where I was sitting, left the room and went down the stairs. After I reached the first floor, I heard a voice calling to me.
“Hey, come over here! Come in the kitchen”
I turned to where the voice is coming from. It was Solana and another girl who had long scarlet hair just like Solana’s in a kitchen. I walked inside the kitchen where the girl sat at a circular wooden table that was near a corner of the kitchen. The table had a large plate with a layer of pancakes on a plate and a bottle of maple syrup sitting there. I gagged at the odor of burnt food. The sink next to me was piled with dirty dishes. There were shards of broken glass on the white tile floors. I almost stepped on them, while I was still barefoot. Solana was near an oven holding a silver metal spatula, jumping and shrieking hysterically trying to put out the flames that bloomed from the stove just a second ago. I sat at the table where the girl sat. I gazed at her for a moment. The girl looked back at me and grinned.
“Oh hello,” She said quickly, “Don’t mind my Mom, she’s very clumsy when it comes to housekeeping. As you can see, she’s not always the best cook. Although she’s very clumsy and careless, she has her moments. She’s only like this when she’s stressed out. It’s very typical for adults. Other than that she’s a great cook. Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Aiyana.”
Aiyana reached out her right hand towards me.
I looked at her hand. I wondered what she made that gesture for. I continued to stare at it.
“What’s your name” She asked.
My eyes were drawn from her hand to her face. It’s that question again. I was gnawing my bottom lip, trying hard to remember, but it was impossible. I gave Aiyana a light shrug. Aiyana frowned.
“I tried asking her the same thing,” said Solana finally finished extinguishing the flames on the stove, “but she wouldn’t tell me. She must be shy, let’s give her some time to relax a bit. Aiyana pumpkin, go to the living room and find the phone. I think it’s time we call her parents. And turn on the computer on your way back here, and look up something on missing children”
Aiyana looked at her mother and nodded. She got up off her chair and left the kitchen. Now my attention is drawn to Solana, who smiled at me, placed some pancakes on the plate in front of me and said,
“Please eat some pancakes, they’re really tasty. I don’t want you to go hungry. I’ll give you a fork and a glass of orange juice.”
Solana handed me a silver metal fork. She also grasped the bottle of maple syrup and poured its sticky brown contents on the plate of pancakes. I looked down to examine them.
“Hmm,” said Solana. “It seems that you have never tasted pancakes before. Just cut a piece off and eat it.”
I looked up at Solana once more, remembering what Aiyana told me earlier, that she isn’t always the best cook. I assumed that these pancakes of hers would not taste very pleasant. I thought of Solana as a very kind person and the last thing I wanted to do is offend her. With my assumption set aside, I grabbed the fork. I cut off a piece of the pancake and placed it into my open mouth. I chewed slowly to. The food was soft and tasted sugary. While eating it I had this pleasant feeling, I assumed that the pancakes would taste horrible, but it was the opposite. I looked up at Solana again and smiled. Solana smiled back at me.
“I’m glad you like it” She said sweetly. “Would you like some orange juice? You’ll like this one, very natural.
Solana went to the refrigerator at the other side of the kitchen. She opened the door on the right. Reached in and pulled out a pitcher of some kind of yellowish substance, then she closed the door and placed the pitcher on the counter. She reached for the cupboard next to refrigerator for a clear glass cup. She took a cup from the cupboard and placed it on the counter as well. She poured the orange juice from the pitcher into the glass cup, and handed it to me. I looked into the cup of orange juice and saw something lumpy, there seems to be some foreign material inside.
“Oh don’t worry about the stuff in there,” said Solana sweetly “That’s just the pulp, dear. It’s natural orange juice. The pulp happens to be very healthy. Go on just drink it!”
I took a small sip of orange juice, despite the uncomfortable pulp rushing into my lips. It tasted pretty good.
Aiyana has just arrived in the kitchen holding a white cordless phone and handed it to me. I looked down at the phone, then who looked up at Solana, who nodded. I looked down at the phone again and pushed the green call button. There was a loud dial tone. I remained still trying to decide what button to press. The left side of my head ached. Random thoughts swirled into my head. I shut off the phone and placed it on the table. Aiyana and Solana exchanged looks, and then looked at me again.
“Erm…” said Solana nervously, “You don’t know your parents’ phone number?”
I shook my head lightly. Solana frowned.
“Um… okay” she said, “What about parent last name?”
I shrugged. Solana sighed.
“Wow,” said Aiyana, quickly, “you must not remember anything at all. Mom, I think she has amnesia”
I looked down at my feet and sighed. My entire face contracted and I clenched my fists firmly as if I was squeezing something. I took three slow deep breaths. Solana kneeled down next to me. I looked at her then she smiled sweetly.
“Oh, No worries,” She said kindheartedly, “you will get you memories back soon. You can stay with us if you’d like, if it’s okay with Aiyana, you can sleep in her room. Aiyana, take this girl to the office upstairs. You are going to the missing child registry. You are not to go on any other site. We are doing this to help her find her parents and pick up any information about her., not shop for “cute boys” on the internet. Do I make myself clear, young lady?”
Aiyana’s face turned red.
“I do NOT look at boys.” She shouted, in an astounded tone “Ugh, oh whatever.”
Aiyana turned around and quickly left the kitchen. Then suddenly she stopped and turned to look at me.
“Well?” she said, “Are you coming?”
I got up and followed Aiyana up the stairs and into a hallway. We stopped at a door that was right next to Aiyana’s room. She opened it, and hit the switch, which caused the light to turn on. I felt slightly uncomfortable when I saw the room. The office is even messier than the kitchen. There were open books, open folders, and loose papers, most of them on the floor. The desk was cluttered with papers. The black chair seemed to have fallen over, with its back to the floor. The file cabinet in the very back of the room had all of its drawers open and it also seem to have tipped over. The fan on the ceiling was twirling at a rapid pace. If it wasn’t swinging and rocking so violently, it would have spun a little bit faster.
Aiyana was the first person to enter the office. She walked to the desk and pushed away some papers resting on it. Under the papers was a small black square, which had the logo “In-Tech” printed on it. She opened it. She also found some cords on the floor, and connected them to the machine. I walked into the office and sat on the floor. Aiyana looked at me and laughed.
“Don’t mind this room either,” she said, “My mom is a journalist. A much respected one I might add. She’s a very messy person, as you can see. She’d clean the place up if she weren’t too busy with her deadlines, and her stories. She’d hire a maid to clean from time to time.”
It took several minutes to set up the machine. She placed the chair into its proper position. She turned it on the machine, and turned to me once more.
“Go on” she said sweetly, “Sit down.
I got up off the floor and sat on the chair. The machine Aiyana was setting up was actually a laptop computer. We finally reached the website, childregistry.gov. The arrow on the screen moved around slowly until it stopped on a link that said Missing children that was written in bold letters.
I need your opinions on this story that I wrote. ITS VERY LONG. You dont have to read it all just skim.?
WOW! Chick that's some good stuff. It was suspencful and kept me wondering what was gonna happen next. Like is the girl's memory ever gonna come back? Is she gonna get reunited with her parents? That's really good work and I like your writing style. Its easy to follow and understand. I wanna know where I can get more of this story from heck, I'd buy the book.
Reply:The beginning descriptive narration has many repetative words. You should also find other adjectives besides colors, or use more unique ones.
You often reuse the same sentance structure.
I walked here. She did this.
Try some more variation:
With a flick of his fingers, the cigarette lit.
Her delicious pancakes she cared for lovingly in the pan, so that they would match the golden morning.
Violet, the mother's color, calmed the naive and bright nature of her daughter's pink dress.
Reply:I would have read it all, but I didn't have time. You were very descriptive and grabbed my interest at once. You seemed to have repetitive sentence structure, and made part of it a little draggish. I think with a little work and revision, you can make a great story.
Reply:You yourself is a BEST STORY !!!
Reply:long and I saw the word pancake
Reply:The beginning is a little confusing, when she wakes up its almost like she thinks she should be there, then you have no idea why the woman that is speaking to her is a stranger. I would put some things in about how she had never been in the room before and it was strange, something like that just to clarify! Other than that, it really catches your attention, you did a great job of character development, I feel sorry for the little girl and hope she finds her way home! All in all, great flow of writing style, good description of the kitchen and characters, would love to find out what happens next! Good luck!
Reply:yer setnces are too disjunct, invert some of them, words should flow, not be so consctructed (or at least not seem that way)
if you look at a piece of music its VERY structured, but when u listen to classical music you hear a fluid piece. one without apparent boundaries (even though there are many)
that makes it easy to read and seem more like a stream of conciousness, and makes it more enjoyable to me at least
skin tone
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