If you have patience please read this story that I wrote. A bit long, but I wanna know what you think of it?

Fallen Angel. Chapter one. In search of Identity.





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%26quot;My eyes opened and I realized I was resting on a soft bed. I was covered with a soft baby blue blanket. The birds chirpedrhythmically, and the sunlight reflectedfrom the window adjacent from the bed was hurting my eyes. I squinted as I looked upon it, but it really didn%26#039;t helprelieve the pain at all. The pain felt as if I was looking directly at a flashlight. I could easily tell the time of day was morning. I sat up on the bed and looked around the bedroom, the walls were painted pink, the drawers and bookshelves standing opposite of the window were just as blue as the blanket that I hadjust pulled off. The room was unfamiliar to me. I wondered how I got here, but I could not recall anything that occurred before this present point, nothing at all.


I got out of bed and there was a somewhat loud clanking sound coming from the polished wooden floor. I looked down and saw a silver heart shaped pendant bonded with small silver chains. I bent over and picked up the locket. It was two and a half inches long, and it gleamed and shimmered like precious diamonds in the sunlight behind me. I turned the heart shaped locket and saw a small clasp. I opened the locket and saw a photo of a young woman on the left who seemed to be wearing a purple dress robe. Next to her on the right was a little girl, wearing similar clothing except she wore pink instead of purple. Both of them had long black hair and they were smiling at each other. I glanced at the little girl again, and although the child seemed so cute, she also seemed very familiar. There was a mirror adjacent to the door in front of me. I saw my own reflection in the mirror. I realized that I had black hair just like the two people in the photo, wearing a white T-Shirt and white shorts, I also saw in the mirror that I had no shoes on. Then I looked at the little girl in the picture again. That little girl’s face and hair are somewhat similar to mine. On the left side of the locket I saw a something printed on the silver metal. The upper left corner of the heart locket was a name that was printed “Fallen angel” and in the middle there was date carved into the locket saying





20 December 1995





The date on the locket caught my attention. I wondered why the date was even printed there. What happened on that day? Why is it so significant? I also wondered who the young woman is in the photo, and if the little girl next to her is really me. The door in front of me knocked unexpectedly. I just watched and glared at it, then seconds later the door opened. The one who knocked on the door was a young woman, wearing a white dress and I also noticed a white apron she was wearing that seemed to blend in. Her rectanglular glasses were completely crooked, it looks as if it was about to fall off her face. Her face was completely dirty, and her crimson hair looked as if it were never brushed for weeks perhaps months. Her emerald eyes came into contact with mine, and said to me in a somewhat squeaky voice.





“Hello, you’re awake”





I continued to glare at her, and remind silent.





“What’s your name?” said the woman, smiling lightly “My name is Solana Frostly.”





Unfortunately I didn’t have an answer to that question. I felt pretty stupid not knowing my own name, so I remained silent and continued to stare at her.





“Um, you don’t talk much do you?” said Solana, timidly. “My daughter Aiyana found you in the forest out cold so we took you in our home and we kept you warm and placed you in her room. Um….. Are you feeling okay?”





I nodded lightly, and whispered.





“Yes”





“I’m glad to hear it!” said Solana, smiling brightly. “Come downstairs, I made some breakfast. When you finished eating we can call your parents. How old are you by the way”





“T-Tw-Twelve” I answered a little unsure of myself.





“Oh that’s great!” Said Solana, “Aiyana is just about you age- Well, perhaps. She’ll be turning twelve in a few days, so I’m sure you two would get along just fine. Now please come downstairs for some breakfast. I’m not sure if there is any breakfast left, I didn’t expect you to be awake at this time. After breakfast we’ll call your parents, they must be worried sick about you. So we’ll just let them know that you’re okay”





Solana turned around and left. Seconds later, I got up off the floor, where I was sitting, left the room and went down the stairs. After I reached the first floor, I heard a voice calling to me.





“Hey, over here! We saved you some breakfast”





I turned to where the voice is coming from. It was Solana and another girl who had long scarlet hair just like Solana’s in a kitchen. I walked inside the kitchen where the girl sat at a circular wooden table that was near a corner of the kitchen. The table had a large plate with a layer of pancakes on a white ceramic plate and a bottle of maple syrup sitting there. I gagged at the odor of burnt food. The sink next to me were piled with dirty dishes. There were shards of broken glass on the white tile floors. I almost stepped on them, while I was still barefoot. Solana was near an oven holding a silver metal spatula, jumping and shrieking hysterically trying to put out the flames that bloomed from the stove just a second ago. I sat at the table where the girl sat. I glared at her for a moment. The girl looked back at me and smiled.





“Oh hello,” She said quickly, “Don’t mind my Mom, she’s very clumsy when it comes to housekeeping. As you can see, she’s not always the best cook. Although she’s very clumsy and careless, she has her moments. She’s only like this when she’s stressed out. It’s very typical for adults.Other than that she’s a great cook. Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Aiyana.”





Aiyana reached out her right hand towards me.





I looked at her hand. I wondered what she made that gesture for. I continued to stare at it.


“What’s your name” She asked.





My eyes were drawn from her hand to her face. It’s that question again. I was gnawing my bottom lip, trying hard to remember, but it was impossible. All I could do now is give Aiyana a light shrug. Aiyana frowned.





“I tried asking her the same thing,” said Solana finally finished extinguishing the flames on the stove, “but she wouldn’t tell me. She must be shy, let’s give her some time to relax a bit. Aiyana pumpkin, go to the living room and find the phone. I think it’s time we call her parents. And turn on the computer on your way back here, and look up something on missing children”





Aiyana looked at her mother and nodded. She got up off her chair and left the kitchen. Now my attention is drawn to Solana, who smiled at me, placed some pancakes on the plate in front of me and said,





“Please eat some pancakes, they’re really tasty. I don’t want you to go hungry. I’ll give you a fork and a glass of orange juice.”





Solana handed me a silver metal fork, with four prongs and the flower design carved on the brown wooden handle. She also grasped the bottle of maple syrup and poured its sticky brown contents on the plate of pancakes. I looked down and stared at it.





“Hmm,” said Solana. “It seems that you have never tasted pancakes before. Just cut a piece off and eat it.





I looked up at Solana once more, remembering what Aiyana told me earlier, that she isn’t always the best cook. I assumed that these pancakes of hers would not taste very pleasant. I found Solana as a very kind person and the last thing I want to do is offend her. With my assumption set aside, I grabbed the fork that was previously placed on the table, Cut off a piece of the pancake and placed it into my open mouth. My bottom jaw made contact with my upper one, while moving in a clockwise position. The food was soft and tasted sugary. While eating it I had this pleasant feeling, I assumed that the pancakes would taste horrible, but it was the opposite. I looked up at Solana again and smiled. Solana smiled back at me.





In each chapter there will be a new reply. So i need your opinion on this story.

If you have patience please read this story that I wrote. A bit long, but I wanna know what you think of it?
good start


i like it


go on


try to use more adjectives


john
Reply:How about you post your work on fictionpress.com? It%26#039;s a really writer-friendly website, where you%26#039;ll get opinions and reviews. Then you don%26#039;t have to bother with putting the entire story on here.
Reply:It%26#039;s pretty good, although I do hav a few suggestions:





1. You jump into the part with the locket a little too quickly, putting too much emphasis on it. It makes the writing seem a bit hasty and immature. When reading, you can immediately tell that the locket is a vital part to the story, which you probably don%26#039;t want to make too clear. Long story short, don%26#039;t go into so much detail about it. Instead, make it seem a minor detail of her day and write as little as possible about it. If necessary, have her look at it again some other time to describe it in more detail.





2. You have repeated some words too many times, such as %26quot;her%26quot;. Try not to do this.





3. Don%26#039;t describe everything in too much detail, as this can give unwanted details and add length. If you do this too often, it can make your writing seem a little overdeveloped.





Other than these few minor details, you have written a very nice piece. Keep up the good work!
Reply:Like most of the crap on here of this sort, it%26#039;s not very good. Your little peers will fall all over themselves telling you how good it is, but let%26#039;s face it, they don%26#039;t know any more than YOU do about writing and what makes a good story. Trust me. It%26#039;s not very good.
Reply:I think it%26#039;s a great start to a story. It needs a little tweaking here and there but otherwise it held my attention and I would like to read more.



visualarts